How to talk to your child about cyberbullying
Parenting in a digital age is challenging, as an extra dimension has been added to our children's world and childhood. There are so many new aspects to be aware of and to know how to handle. Most of us feel overwhelmed and struggle to grasp the digital world our children grow up in and all the pitfalls that come with it, cyberbullying being one of them.
As complex as cyberbullying might be, it’s an important topic to address with our children. First of all, it’s important to discuss this to prevent it from happening by teaching empathy and awareness of the effects of cyberbullying. Explaining bullying to a child, what it can feel and look like, is also a way to teach how to recognize it, what to do, and how to seek help if it happens.
Most importantly, we need to know how to talk to kids about cyberbullying if they happen to be victims. Bullying of any kind can be very damaging to a child's well-being, mental health, and overall development. No child should deal with this alone without support from adults, so we must know how to talk with them about it. The worst thing we can do is nothing.
Leaning on some of the best parenting books and philosophies, such as The Danish Way of Parenting and Scandinavian theories on bullying, we will guide you through this sensitive topic so you can provide your child with the best support and help.
How to talk to kids about bullying – Tips for parents
It might not be easy to start this conversation. Maybe you suspect your child could be bullied, but you are not sure. If you are looking for tips on how to recognize signs of cyberbullying, we recommend that you start by reading our article on how to protect your child from cyberbullying.
We might not want to fire a ton of cyberbullying questions at our child out of the blue. Instead, a more gentle way to start a conversation on the topic could be to mention some current cyberbullying examples or stories you might have heard about, or share some of your own experiences with bullying.
When initiating this conversation, we must match where our child is and be mindful of our intention with the conversation. Do we have concerns that our child might be experiencing cyberbullying? Do we want to prepare our child for what to do if it happens to them or someone they know? Or are we unsure of how to talk to our child who has been bullied to provide the best support?
Keep reading to get our best parenting advice on how to have conversations with your child in each of these situations.
Start talking about bullying now
No matter if your child has experienced bullying yet or not, it is still a good idea to start talking about it now. By having conversations on this topic, it can be easier for our kids to come to us if they need help. It will also be a great way to teach them how to recognize bullying and prepare them for how to deal with it.
Our Raising Digital Citizens kit is a great cyberbullying conversation starter, offering plenty of questions touching on this topic. It’s a great place to start if you are unsure how to talk to kids about bullying or how to teach kids about bullying.
If you have noticed signs your child is being bullied, it’s a must to dive even deeper into this conversation with your child. This article will guide you through it every step of the way.
Have thoughtful talks with your child every day
One of our most valued parenting tips is having thoughtful talks with your child every day, not just online safety conversations, but talks about any subject, big or small. This will do wonders for your connection and relationship with your children.
When we tune in to their world and approach them with curiosity to learn more and get to know their thoughts and opinions, it can change our relationship with them, bringing us closer together.
We often get stuck in a pattern of constantly telling our kids what to do and correcting them, forgetting about having fun, and stopping for a moment to get to know them. They are constantly growing and developing new sides to their personality, and sometimes we are too busy to notice and keep up.
As a benefit to deepening this relationship with our children, research shows that close parent-child relationships prevent children from taking part in bullying.
Use your experience to help them talk about theirs
When setting the scene to talk about any sensitive topic, it can be a good idea to start by sharing personal experiences. Many kids might be ashamed to talk about private topics, thinking their parents won’t understand. It can serve as an icebreaker to show them that you have also been a child once and recognize many of your child's struggles.
Talk about bullying in a general way
If your child doesn’t have any experience with bullying, it can still be a good idea to talk about bullying in general terms to teach them awareness and empathy and prepare them for how to handle it if it should happen to them.
Talking about bullying in a general way while sharing personal experiences can also be a way to signal that bullying can happen to anyone, making it easier for your child to come to you in such a situation. It can ease your child's struggles with shame, guilt, or other difficulties with sharing their experiences.
If your child encounters bullying
If your child becomes a victim of bullying, it's important to talk about it and look for solutions early on, rather than waiting to see if they will figure it out on their own or just wait it out.
But many kids keep it to themselves and might be reluctant to get parents involved, making it hard for parents to know what their child is going through.
However, situations with bullying are too much for kids to handle on their own. Emotionally, it’s very difficult to go through, and the complex patterns or conflicts leading to bullying are not easily solved by kids alone.
Sadly, when kids hold back, how deeply cyberbullying is affecting them, they can find themselves in a very hopeless situation, seeing no way out, leading to terrible outcomes. This is why we must address this situation as soon as it comes to our attention.
If your child witnessed bullying
Bullying and cyberbullying don’t just involve or affect the bully and the victim. Everyone around witnessing the harassment is also affected by the unsafe atmosphere and may be silently enabling the bullying.
Teach your child to stand up against bullies to break this pattern. You can prepare your child for what to do if they see bullying online, such as mean comments or posts, or they notice rude behavior or gossip in a group chat always targeting the same person.
The number one rule is to speak up if it feels safe, or let an adult know about the situation so they can stop the bullying.
Additionally, it is wise to remove yourself from the situation, check on the victim, and let them know what is happening is not okay. In an online setting, commenting on a mean post or reacting to mean comments will only draw more attention to the bully’s message, giving it more exposure.
However, leaving a comment that the behavior is not okay and that the comment or post should be deleted can still be a good idea to support the victim. Often, there is also an option to report the post, comments, or profile to the platform.
If your child’s friend is being bullied and they have promised not to tell anyone, they might get stuck in a dilemma of either being loyal to their friend or helping them. Kids have to know that in this case, it is okay to break a promise to a friend out of concern for their well-being and safety.
If your child isn't sure what happened was bullying
It is often hard to tell the difference between teasing and bullying. However, we can look for signs of harassment or exclusion that have been ongoing over a longer period, targeting the same person, meant to harm or humiliate someone.
A bullied kid will also show signs of discomfort and hurt feelings. Teasing is meant to be fun and between friends. It should be enjoyable for both parties, not just one side. If the same person is always being teased and doesn’t think it’s fun, and their friends don’t care that they get hurt or even do it on purpose, then it’s bullying.
If you're concerned that your child might have been bullied or cyberbullied, but they aren't talking about it
It can be hard to know how to handle bullying as a parent, but if you see signs your child is being cyberbullied or suspect something is wrong, it’s better to act on it. The worst (and best) thing that can happen is that we are mistaken about our assumptions. We must follow our hunch that something is wrong and insist on knowing more about what is going on.
It can be tempting to go through their inbox or social media behind their back to look for evidence of your concern. However, this approach doesn’t support the trusting and close relationship we want with our kids. And in case our child has deleted all messages and posts from the bully and not shared about the bullying with anyone, this move will only leave us with a false sense of security and a distant relationship with our child.
Instead, finding ways to get our child to open up is a much more sustainable approach. Here are a few tips on what to do if you suspect your child has been cyberbullied but doesn’t want to talk about it.
1. Be available and pay attention
First of all, most kids will try to tell their parents if they feel they are available and willing to listen. They might start with a very light version of the story or drop a few hints to test the reaction and the interest.
Make sure you are available and pay attention when they talk about their day. Most kids will tell or show you how they feel if they get the chance.
2. Share your concern
If you suspect something is wrong, let them know that you have noticed something bothering them and you are worried about them. Some kids might have a fear of sharing emotions, or be afraid to disappoint or worry their parents by telling them they are not happy or being bullied.
Letting kids know that they can’t say anything wrong and that you want to help them with anything they are dealing with can be of help.
3. Prepare them for the conversation
Some kids like to prepare themselves and have some control over when to open up. If they are reluctant to share what is going on, let them know you still want to talk about what is bothering them. Agree on a time when you should talk that suits them better, or, for example, let them know that later this afternoon you will come to their room to talk about it. Some kids benefit from this time to prepare themselves and won't feel ambushed to open up about this sensitive topic out of the blue.
4. Suggest they talk to someone else
It is not everything kids feel comfortable sharing with their parents right away. It can sometimes be a help to suggest that they speak to someone else first. Maybe they will feel more comfortable sharing with another family member or trusted adult, and that is okay. Help them see the different options.
If your child was bullied or cyberbullied
If we find out our child is being cyberbullied, we might get overwhelmed with feelings of anger or concern. However, it’s important to stay calm and try to learn about the details of the situation to better understand how to solve it. And we need to be sensitive and gentle when doing so.
At times, if we sense that talking about something makes our child uncomfortable, we can avoid the subject and fear pushing them to talk about it. However, we must find a way to have this important conversation. Here are some tips to keep in mind when you talk with your child about cyberbullying.
1. Be gentle and encourage them to share
Many kids experiencing cyberbullying might be ashamed of what is posted about them. It can be hard to repeat or to show what was written or posted online. Often, victims of bullying fear that telling adults will only make it worse. Let them know that talking about it is the only way to make it better, and it’s not their fault what has been shared or said about them.
2. Don't make promises not to tell anyone
Acknowledge that kids are often afraid of what will happen after telling someone. Let them know that you will not allow it to get worse, and it is necessary to inform the responsible adults so they can solve the situation. It is a good idea to let your child know what actions you will take every step of the way, so they can keep up. Let them know that you will find the right help, and it will get better, no matter how hopeless it might look. There is always a solution.
3. Stay calm and be curious
Avoid being overly emotional. Let the conversation be about your child and their experience. Avoid advising on how to handle it at this stage. Just be calm and curious, and gently ask about the facts, both to ease your child off the burden of carrying it alone and to document evidence.
If your child is very uncomfortable, it might be helpful to ask them yes or no questions, and let them know that you will stay calm if they show you the messages or posts on their phone.
Many kids benefit from being told that what happened isn’t their fault, that talking about it will make them feel better, and that it’s the only way to get help.
4. Have follow-up conversations
Keep talking about it until you feel you have understood the situation thoroughly and collected all the needed evidence. Maybe your child won't give you the whole story right away, but will wait to see your reaction first, if it’s safe to tell you all the details.
Most victims of cyberbullying will also need regular check-ins. The effects of bullying can be long-lasting, and being able to talk about it or get the right help both during and after can be important for healing.
5. Social media break
Withdrawal from social media can be a good idea if this is where the bullying is taking place. However, this will never be the solution. We must also be aware that many kids stay in touch with most of their friends on social media, so they risk being isolated, especially if they also refuse to go to school because of the bullying.
In this case, we need to help them find other ways to connect with friends and strengthen relationships with supportive social connections and communities, both offline and online.
To get more detailed advice on how to stop or report bullying, take a look at our article “What to do if your child is being cyberbullied.”
Utilizing online resources
Families dealing with cyberbullying might benefit from finding online resources to support them. There are plenty of organisations, websites, and communities fighting to end cyberbullying and help victims. They might have hotlines or provide online counseling to offer additional support.
It can be helpful to look up what support networks or hotlines are available in the area.
Most countries offer either a parent helpline or a kids helpline for child support in cases of cyberbullying. Look to your national Cyberbullying Research Center for options for support for you and your child.
Sadly, cyberbullying has been linked to cases of suicide among victims, even without parents being aware of the seriousness of the situation. In these severe cases, your National Suicide Prevention Hotline can be someone to consult for further guidance.
Fostering self-advocacy in children
Cyberbullying is one of the major pitfalls of our children’s online world that we must address and prepare them for. Knowing how to handle this issue is among our most important online safety tips for children.
Prevention is crucial, and we can work towards this by talking with our kids about actively pursuing and contributing to creating supportive online communities.
Discussing digital etiquette for kids is a way to ensure they know how to be respectful when interacting online and call out disrespectful and mean behavior when they see it.
