We hope you have enjoyed a meaningful family conversation with our conversation cards. Maybe you have created a Raising Digital Citizens Agreement and have developed guidelines for better habits in the future.
But we have to be realistic and know that creating the agreement is not the end of it. It will take practice and breaches will happen.
We invite you to view each breach as an opportunity to reflect on the effectiveness of the agreement and assess if adjustments are needed. Kids want to do their best, and breaking the rules is rarely a rebellious attack on us.
Remember, staying away from screens and following rules can be difficult, even for us. Kids need our support to build healthier digital habits. We should try to embrace these moments as opportunities for growth and avoid punishment or blame.
Check-in with ourselves first
Many of us feel disrespected or provoked when our kids break our rules, but we should try not to take it personally. When kids do something they are not allowed to do online or otherwise go against the guidelines around their devices, then we can ask ourselves these questions before discussing the issue:
- Am I in the right mindset to work through this discussion respectfully, focusing on a win-win outcome rather than a power battle?
- Am I actually mad at myself for allowing something to go on too long, leading to misguided anger?
- Could it be the new rules that don’t fit reality and need adjustments?
- Am I worried if they have seen something harmful or inappropriate, and am I reacting out of fear rather than connecting to help?
- Do I need some time to calm down first so I can be reasonable and curious about what happened?
Ask Questions with Curiosity, Not Accusation
With these questions, we might be able to take a deep breath and prepare ourselves to communicate calmly. By minimizing an accusatory tone, we also minimize their resistance. To avoid blame or conflict and focus on learning, we can ask about their actions - and be prepared to give many friendly reminders:
- What are you watching? Is that from one of the channels we agreed on? Or is it something we should add to your list of subscriptions?
- What game or video is that? It looks fun, but did you remember to check the age limit we agreed on?
- Remember we agreed to turn off the phone by 8 pm. Did something happen?
- How come you wrote your friend 17 messages because he didn’t answer your call? Do you remember what the right thing to do is?
Focus on the agreement and explain the reasoning
Kids may not fully understand how applying the rules affects their daily lives. Reinforce the reasoning behind the agreement; some children, especially those with high impulsivity, may need this reminder. Research shows it can take up to 90 days to fully establish a new habit, so we should be patient and supportive.
Examples:
"Remember, we agreed you’d ask permission before using this app because it’s not safe for kids your age. I know it’s frustrating since some of your friends have it, but in our family, we respect these age restrictions. They are made to protect you."
Be open to feedback
If something feels unfair or challenging, or if our children want more freedom, we can choose to listen to what they have to say. It’s okay to be flexible and change our minds, and it’s also okay to say no and stand firm. But the more we listen and admit our mistakes, the more likely they are to listen to us as they grow older.
Examples:
"Okay, so you don’t think it’s fair that you can’t choose when to do your homework because you can manage it? How about this: you can play for an hour when you get home, then do your homework and other things - sports, chores, dinner, etc. If this is too hard, we’ll switch back to the original plan."
"I hear that you want a change, but I’d like you to show that you can consistently do your homework before playing. If you can keep that up for a while, we can revisit letting you play first."
Understand the importance of giving kids agency
Research shows that people, including children, are happier when they feel some control over their lives. We can encourage our children to come up with solutions and rules they find fair rather than simply imposing our rules.
- "Can you think of some good ways to remember to do your homework before gaming?"
- "How could we make sure homework gets done before dinner?"
- “When do you prefer to get your hour of screen time?”
Respond with the appropriate consequence
It’s perfectly okay to have consequences when rules are broken; this is a normal part of life. However, how we deliver those consequences matters. We should aim to provide supportive consequences that encourage learning and responsibility, as well as favor natural consequences to the rules that are broken.
Examples:
"We agreed that screens shouldn’t interfere with homework, but it seems they’re too distracting right now. I know it can be tough to stay away from games, so let’s take a break from screens to make it easier for you to finish your homework."
“I noticed you brought your phone to your room last night. We agreed that it should be off at night and not be in the room. I think it’s better I keep it at night. You can come to me if you need it for something important.”
“Why did you create that fake account to tease that girl? There are better ways to talk to someone if you are mad at them. I think it’s better we take a break from social media, while we figure out a way to solve this.”
Get help
And remember, if we feel we’re losing our temper or reacting like kids ourselves, it can be a good idea to pass the discussion to our partner, if possible. Regular family check-ins can help ensure everyone is on board with the agreement, focusing on preventing issues rather than punishing them.
