The parenting style in so many cultures is to govern with fear, power and control.
Ultimatums and punishments are commonly used tactics to gain compliance with children. While this may seem like an effective choice, it really isn’t, especially for older kids because it can create distance and hostility.
With control and fear, kids don’t always know the reason why they shouldn’t do something. They merely want to avoid getting in trouble and therefore have a tendency to lie and hide rather than to be honest.
Studies clearly show that children from families who govern with respect and inclusion are far more likely to be influenced by their parents, not their peers, as teenagers. You will have a much more positive influence on your child’s technology use with an atmosphere of trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.
The purpose of the Raising Digital Citizens conversation cards is to build this relationship through discussion, and then decide on the rules and consequences together. It’s an inclusive process based on shared knowledge and equal dignity, finalized with a joint agreement.
This is an excellent way of preventing power struggles in the future because your child is part of making the rules, understanding why they are necessary and formulating the appropriate consequences themselves. The boundaries are based on trust.
Expecting responsibility, rather than obedience, is a much more effective way for kids to genuinely learn to make good decisions when faced with difficult situations.
There is no question that parents have the power. It’s how they choose to use that power that can make a huge difference in the long run. Expecting responsibility, rather than obedience, is a much more effective way for kids to genuinely learn to make good decisions when faced with difficult situations.
Tips for No Ultimatums in the digital world
1. Think win/win
Completing the conversation cards together and doing the CARE approach is a win/win. Parents win because you have covered all the important topics for what it means to be a good digital citizen. Your child wins because they earn the right to their first phone or more digital independence. Focus on these elements, and you will both look forward to the process and be willing to dedicate time to it as a team.
2. Be curious, not furious
If you see your child looking at something you think they shouldn’t, remain calm and ask questions like “how did you get to that?” or “What did you click on”? We want to help them become good digital citizens, not punish them for curiosity.
It may be that your child has clicked on something by mistake or even gone looking for the content they may have heard about from friends. Children are naturally curious and search for things without realizing what they might find.
3. Don’t blame, reframe
Threatening, fear and blame are not conducive to respect. Only respect is conducive to respect. It’s a cycle that comes back to you. Children will often remember the immediate response from an adult which lets them know if they can be open.
If we see our child as sneaky or untrustworthy, we will react that way. If we see them as responsible and trustworthy, we will treat them as such. Don’t blame, reframe. How we see our children and situations can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4. Avoid ultimatums
It can be tempting to threaten with ultimatums to take away phones or technology, but remember the big lines of parenting and what you want to achieve. Is blocking their social life and belonging the most respectful and effective way of upholding boundaries in the long run? Practice hearing your use of ultimatums and refer to your agreements instead.
5. Focus on the agreement
Use the agreement that you make together to focus on and point out their own consequences so you can avoid ultimatums and power struggles and maintain equal dignity as much as possible.
